OK I know it sounds disgusting, but bear with me. You know you’ve been wanting to update that kitchen cabinet of yours. After a while, salt and pepper can get a little old. So you go out and order Salt Made from Tears. Produced by Hoxton Street Monster Supplies in London, you may think being English they just have a witty, misleading name for their product.
Think again; this is the real deal. Their “centuries-old craft” involves gently boiling fresh human tears, releasing them into shallow crystallisation tanks, harvesting the rocks by hand and finally rinsing them in brine. The salt comes in a spectrum of flavors including tears made from tears of anger, laughter, and sorrow as well as tears shed while chopping onions and sneezing. It’s natural to feel resistant to trying the product but what’s the worst case scenario? You develop a taste for human tears and it plays down like the zombie in Miami who smoked bath salts, chasing victims and holding them down to feast off their delicious face. They’ll likely already be crying.